On the one hand, there's a part of me who is prepared to accept life as it is. Not so much like I'm not trying to better myself or my position in life...but just being grateful for what I have, trying not to want more than I need. Enjoying every little bit. The most influential, wise, and great people have done this...many of which lived in poverty. I want to be like this. I want to be okay with what I have, even if I one day end up with nothing.
On the other hand, there's a part of me who is defiant, trying to go against the grain, not wanting to settle for what I have or where I am for fear that it is simply a means of control by whatever powers that be. Call it stupid, or paranoid, or whatever. I don't know why I have this irrational fear. At times it seems like it's selfish, that it's materialism...but it also feels like I'm being aware. Maybe it's the idea everyone's pounding in my head, that the only way to be successful and move up in life is to have things... a home, a career, a family. Food on the table every night. Water to take showers with.
At the same time, it's a completely ridiculous idea. Are the people in Africa losers because they don't have clean water to drink? Are they failures because they have very little resources to feed and raise their children with? Granted, there are a lot of people there who can't help themselves there the way people in America can help themselves here, but it's the principle of it. You'll find that the people in 2nd and 3rd world countries are far more grateful for the 2 pennies they have, than people in industrial nations who have all the riches in the world. I want that peace of mind. I want to be able to say, "Hey...whatever happens, happens. And that's okay." I mean, think about it. The less you have, the less there is to lose.
Why should I have to model my life after what the mainstream wants? Why should I have to go my whole life feeling that I'm ugly because I'm not like the girls on TV, or feeling left out because I don't have the same cell phone that everyone else has, or feeling depressed because I don't have a job as a corporate slave; a home so I can feel like I belong in the big city; money so I can pay the conglomerates, so they can pay the government, so they can brainwash us with more commercials, so the cycle can start all over again? Why should I want that? As much as I love things, the convenience of technology, and the comfort of having an identity and a home, I DON'T WANT IT. The more I fill my life with material possessions and distractions, the more alone I feel. The more things we buy, as a society, the more we build our walls and separate ourselves.
I'll give you an example. The first time my mom and step-dad allowed the internet into our home was with WebTV. I will just note that my mom is a technophobe. I say this with love. But yes, she was very hesitant at first, almost didn't want to touch the thing. She would let my sister and I go on all day, because she just wasn't interested in it. Then, after giving it another try, she found out she loved it. Soon she was timing my sister and me, cutting down our hours spent on WebTV until finally she cut us off completely and used it all for herself. For those months that we had the internet at our convenience, we lost our mother. She just wasn't the same person. And even before this, when she had a word processor (this was the early 90's and she was a writer, mind you), she would spend pretty much all day just staring at a screen. Before that, it was soap operas. And so on and so forth.
My point here is that with every new technological developments, or other developments in pop culture, there sometimes comes very strong obsession. I know not every person has an "addictive personality" per se, and not everyone gets obsessed with the same thing. But people don't know just how dependent they are on whatever they care most about until they don't have it anymore. Ever hear of a little thing called planned obsolescence? Its the reason computers crash, cell phones need to be replaced every 2 years, and cars run like crap after half a decade. It's to keep people wanting more, NEEDING more, so that they become dependent on things instead of their own wits. This isn't a conspiracy theory, it's actually a well-known marketing tactic that's been around FOREVER. The more I see of it, the more I hate what modern technology and material possessions in general have done to mankind. What I hate most is when I fall into it, when I start believing it.
Maybe I just need a break from the world. I know that won't fix the problem, but it would probably help me feel less stressed for a while. I need to unplug myself from the extension chord of television, internet, cell phones...everything. Truthfully, I don't care about "success", at least not the kind of success that society expects me to commit myself to. If success is having a big-screen TV in the living room of my 2 story executive home in the suburbs of Beverly Hills, where all the other rich, beautiful people are, then I don't want it, and I will NEVER strive to be like that. Those brainless tools on reality shows, and in night clubs, wiping their asses with $100 bills without a care of other people in the world because they're too distracted by their call with their CEO partners... those people who think saving the world is possible by BUYING a fuel efficient luxury car... those people who honestly think that buying a bottle of water named after a 3rd world country will save a starving Ethiopian child's life... the people who force their children to go to Harvard when what they really want is to be a writer or join the Peace Corps... and even people like me. The Average American, who has not too much, not too little. Who are we to judge what success is?
I say, success is what you make it. If you are doing all that you can to make the world a better place, and to make yourself a better person.... THAT is what counts most in life. Sure, part of me wants to get a Doctorate degree in whatever, make lots of money in a job I hate, have a dysfunctional family and spoiled children who will grow up to be the dumb broads on The Simple Life. But that part of me is not really me...it's the collective bullcrap idea of what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing with my life. The real me wants to go out with nothing more than the clothes on my back, my car, and whatever money I have saved up, travel the world, live like Jack Kerouac and write a novel that MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE'S LIVES. A good difference. I want to walk across the desert and see God, tell everyone around me there's a place much better than this, where we won't ever need or want things again, because we'll already have it. And it's something greater than any computer or cell phone or McDonalds franchise can ever give us. I want to help feed the starving children in Africa, and to hell with any worries of what might happen to me. I want to break down that hypothetical wall, crawl out of the solitary confinement I've sentenced myself to through my addiction to things. I just want to DO something, to actually LIVE life away from a screen.
And I hope I can make it happen soon.
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